“Discipline is the highest (or greatest) form of self-love” - Someone on Reddit… probably

The Summer I Actually Needed

I have spent every summer since I was 16 aspiring to have the perfect “hot girl summer”, and every year I felt like it was missing a little something. ‘A little grit ’ was the only way I could describe it for a while. Each year I spent the months going on trips to see friends, indulging in the sunlight and bikini season, going to parties, and putting my entire life on the internet each step of the way.

Now, I am not one to say that this is a bad way to spend the summer. I would happily do it any year. But I needed a summer of change for me, and for the people I impact when I really lock in. I was mindlessly scrolling (I know, work with me here), and came across the opening quote. In popped the idea that what if instead of focusing on having a “hot girl summer”, I focused on having a disciplined girl summer.

After a tough winter and a Spring full of beautiful changes, I knew that was what I needed to reset and be present in the dream life I was building and living each day. I sat down and evaluated where I could grow and align myself more clearly with my goals, and got to work. I identified why previous lock-ins felt hard, whether it was impossibly long to-do lists or avoiding punishment, rather than seeking reward. I consulted research in my field written about habits, read Atomic Habits by James Clear (duh), and got to work.

The Mental Price of Constantly ‘Starting Over’

Before we get into what I actually came up with, it is important to talk about why self-discipline is actually one of the keys to developing a sense of self-worth.

For a long time, I treated every lapse in consistency as an excuse to stop. A missed workout became the end of a routine. A distracted week meant the writing schedule had failed. Instead of adjusting the plan, I would abandon it, wait for another Monday, and try to return as a more disciplined version of myself. Starting over felt hopeful in the moment, but over time, it began to carry a psychological cost.

Research suggests that failing to meet a goal can affect more than the goal itself. In two experimental studies, Höpfner and Keith (2021) found that goal failure was associated with decreases in positive emotion, self-esteem, and motivation. Meaning repeatedly setting ambitious expectations and falling short can feel so discouraging, and it can begin to shape how we see our own capability. Eventually, “I did not follow this plan” can become “I am someone who never follows through.” \

On the flip side, Yosopov et al. (2024) found that perfectionism and procrastination were connected to fear of failure and the tendency to overgeneralize failure. For me, that can look like allowing one imperfect day to define an entire week or treating one abandoned goal as proof of a permanent character flaw. When every setback becomes an indictment of who we are, continuing imperfectly can feel more difficult than quitting and beginning again later.

Tying these together, in order to be successful at reshaping your habits, you have to leave room for failure AND learning to persist through it. Missing the gym on Monday does not excuse missing the gym the rest of the week. Having a “cheat night” after a hard work day does not ruin the commitment to yourself to eat better. It means you are human, and empathy for yourself allows you to show up better when you try again next time. If you procrastinate getting back on track, then you perpetuate that narrative that you are unable to change every day you go past the habit until your “start over” day.

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Femininity in Discipline - a brief lesson

My version of discipline is built around maintaining feminine balance while I am locked in, and that does not mean only doing what feels comfortable or abandoning my responsibilities whenever something becomes difficult. Softness without boundaries can become avoidance, and rest without intention can become stagnation. At the same time, discipline does not have to involve punishment, rigidity, or treating exhaustion like proof that I am working hard enough. Research suggests that self-compassion can reduce maladaptive perfectionism and emotional distress without eliminating healthy ambition (Woodfin et al., 2021). To me, that means accountability can still exist without cruelty towards myself.

Feminine discipline also leaves room for variation in rhythm with my body and it’s natural cycles. I don’t need to perform at the same level every day in order to consider myself consistent. Energy, focus, mood, and physical capacity naturally change, and ignoring those changes can lead to burnout or another dramatic reset (which we have all read is not mentally helpful). Research on goal adjustment has linked adapting expectations and redirecting effort toward attainable goals with greater self-efficacy, self-esteem, positive emotion, and life satisfaction (Kappes & Greve, 2024). In practice, that might mean lifting lighter instead of skipping the gym, choosing yoga instead of forcing an intense workout, or completing one important task instead of abandoning the entire day.

Rest is also a built in part of the plan, not something that has to be earned after everything else is finished. Relaxation, mentally disconnecting from work, and participating in personally meaningful activities have been associated with greater well-being, creativity, engagement, and lower exhaustion (Headrick et al., 2023). This is why I put equal importance on pleasure, creativity, and rest, as my fitness, nutrition, and work goals.

For me femininity in discipline is not about avoiding effort or discomfort. It is about refusing to believe that growth has to come through constant force. It is structure with room to breathe, accountability without self-abandonment, and the ability to adjust without giving up. I still expect myself to follow through, but I want to do so in a way that keeps me connected to my body, creativity, pleasure, and emotional well-being (for my own sanity).

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Preface:

Please note that this writing is a very adapted and shortened version of a recent class I taught at the “Women Upping Their Game” Conference. There is a lot I didn’t touch on (that I hope to in future writings), and a lot deeper we could go. Please feel free to ask questions, attend future classes on this topic, and do your own further research!

I am someone who has struggled with pretty recurring depressive episodes since leaving an abusive relationship when I was in college. At my worst, I struggled with excessive drinking, risk-taking behavior, and overspending that all could have easily destroyed my life if I let them go on. Thankfully, I quickly began to recognize my triggers and finally decided to choose myself and get better. When I talk to people about mental illness, they often don’t realize that, like with any illness, we are meant to hit a remission stage where our symptoms either slow to a manageable level or disappear altogether. As a Counseling Master’s student, I actively study the patterns of behavior that give individuals the ability to hit that “remission” phase. Now, this is not to say that those facing active oppression, deep poverty, active trauma, or other completely life-altering events will be able to take the following advice and feel better. I wish I could say that was the case, but I would be selling you bullshit. What I can say is for those feeling overwhelmed, burnt out from everyday life, dealing with regular relationship issues, or simply in what I would call a “rut,” this one is for you.

My golden secret to getting my life back during a difficult time is simple and something that anyone can do with little to no monetary resources. It is to return to the rituals that give meaning to the mundane in my life and to maintain routines that rest my nervous system. Our brains like structure and predictability; they create the foundational feeling that we are safe. In a world that makes us constantly feel like we are being chased by a bear, we have to find some time to let our minds and bodies feel safe. Our brains also like to slow down and care for ourselves and our homes, and prefer to look at pretty things (which is why clutter and sweats may not make you feel like hot shit). Both rituals and routines are important, but what is the difference between them? First, routines are habitual actions performed out of efficiency or necessity. They do not help us romanticize, but they do help us do what we need to do to reach a baseline level of hygiene and functioning. That is not to say that things we do as routines cannot be rituals, but it is also okay to do some things without using a ton of brain power. The cons of rituals (and the reason why many people do not keep up with them) is because they demand brain power, which can feel counterintuitive to the goal of reducing mental load. But the reality is that by doing them, we are working to increase our confidence and self-assurance in a specific area that the ritual intention we set (we will get there in a minute) works to target. The symbolic nature forces presence, purpose, and meaning, all things the self-actualizing part (or evolved self) needs to reach peak happiness.

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I felt my throat tighten, my hands lock, and my expression stall. I felt increasingly misunderstood by the world and the people around me, with little desire to change that. Part of me still doesn’t have that desire, but one to remain mysterious and alluring. But now, I wonder where the middle ground is between expression and security, vulnerability and protection. Between sharing my secrets, desires, experiences, and stories, and holding the world at arm’s length, writing only for myself and no one else. But then, what is the point of creating art if you want to remain unobserved? You must at least observe yourself even to begin, and where is the security in fear of someone stumbling upon your art by accident? The reality is, writing is always for oneself and others. We write so that one person who reads feels seen, considers a new view, is moved by emotion, or laughs along as we did while creating the work.

So, I decided to return to writing for myself, and for you, and for the person who may stumble across my work long after I am gone and think, “Man, what was she on?” And I hope those who knew me will simply say “life”. Because living is what all of this is for. Is it not? And what is living if we don’t do so openly, courageously, romantically, beautifully? It is mediocrity, regret waiting to happen, and missed chances you didn’t even know you may have needed, and I don’t wish to get to 75 and think, “I wish I wrote more.”

Take what resonates. Leave what doesn’t. Feel what comes up. Consider things you haven’t. And live.

Self-confidence ~ A general feeling of trust in one's abilities across different situations. It stems from the belief that we can achieve a goal or complete a task and initiates our attempt to do so.

Self-efficacy ~ Proven belief in one's capability to achieve a specific goal or task in a particular situation. It stems from successfully completing goals or tasks.

Self-esteem ~ How much a person values and respects themselves as a whole. It stems from the value we place on ourselves despite the value others place on us.

Self-assurance ~ A strong and outward display of confidence, esteem, and efficacy, often indicating a firm belief in one's abilities and self. It comes from a combination of confidence, efficacy, and esteem.

In a society that constantly demands conformity and approval, the struggle to see what you truly need and to feel confident is widely misunderstood. We are taught that confidence comes from achievement:

• Having the best job

• Having the coolest group of friends

• Having a degree (or a few)

These are all things rooted in external validation, which does not provide a consistent and reliable source of anything needed to reach self-assurance. Anytime someone with a better job, a “cooler” best friend, or a little more intelligence comes along, your whole world will be shattered, and you will feel the need to compete with that human to be the best. But the question is, why are you allowing society or someone else to decide what is best for you? For those who rely solely on validation from others, the ability to trust their own judgment and embrace their full selves can seem like a distant or even unimportant goal. This battle is not just personal but systemic, as societal norms and cultural expectations have long conditioned individuals to prioritize external approval over internal alignment.

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